As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been thinking about what’s coming next in life. Not too long after I start whatever is “next,” I start looking at what’s coming up next and I don’t know that I’ve ever been fully present. After grad school, getting a job was the next clear step and I think I’m still trying to find what’s coming next. One of the things I’m realizing comes with this way of thinking is that I never let myself feel like I’m home. I’m always wondering what might be coming, where will I be… thinking I don’t want to get too attached- I might not be here 5 years from now!
If things go as planned, I will have to make a commitment to stay where I’m working to work on building a program within the school. Things are very much still up in the air, and I’m not sure how long I’ll have to commit, but I think this may be a good thing. I hopefully won’t be thinking about how long I’ll be here, will I need to look elsewhere- maybe I can finally sit down and plan long term.
Like I said, I never really let myself feel like I was home. While I feel in love with my last apartment, I knew it was temporary and there were a lot of things I left undone. I never got rooms just home I wanted to (or worked on getting them just how I wanted), I didn’t start planning on how to make it really mine.
But tonight I noticed a difference. I went to get some toothpaste from Target (*love*), I found myself in the home section, thinking about how to make my entryway work for me. I ended up looking at the very limited patio furniture that’s made itself out and thinking about inviting friends over for lunch or dinner outside in the summer. Looking at the dining table options. Looking to make myself a home.