I moved out of state and away from everyone I knew to start my first teaching job. And this is what I wanted; I knew that if I stayed close to where I am from, I would probably never leave. (Mostly because I thought of course I’d be married by now, and probably at least close to having my first kid. LOL youth.) There’s nothing wrong with staying where you’re from, but my hometown is not what I want, and I knew I needed to grow up and become more independent.
With each year though, I know a little bit more that I want to go back closer to home. There are some opportunities there I want to do, and ways I want to grow in my career that I just can’t do here.
Last year I was close to being all in to trying to come back. I let some key people know that I was looking, and I started applying for jobs. Then my sister moved halfway across the country. My good friend who lived close moved away. The jobs being posted were not really what I was looking for, so I said I’ll give it another year.
Now I’m here and I’m ready. Except there’s nothing! The number of positions that have been posted are still in the single digits. And I’ve expanded my search zone! I’ve emailed principals, even ones at schools that didn’t have positions posted.
I’m going to run into trouble soon. I’m going to have to either renew or end my lease where I’m at now in a few weeks, and I am not going to end my lease unless I have another job lined up! And more trouble- I’m not excited about staying. This is definitely something I can and will fix if it ends up that I have to go back, but I just know that I’ve pretty much reached the ceiling where I work now. I either get passed up for opportunities or they just aren’t available. I have a vision of where I want to be, I see how to get there, I just need to do it. But I need a few things to work with me to make this happen.
I just keep trying to tell myself what will be will be. Continue to work hard, do my best to stay positive, and…ugh. Give myself like a five minute vent/woe-is-me time? 😉
I have a friend who has this amazing relationship with her sister. This weekend, Friend was trying to accomplish one of her goals she’d been working on for so long. She’s had a lot of things go not-as-planned in her life, and her sister has been like a rock to her. Well, towards the end of trying to accomplish this goal, Friend broke down. She just wanted to quit, and told her sister she was done. Sister looked her in the eye, said, “Let’s do this,” and stayed right by Friend’s side until Friend was done.
There are pictures from this, and it makes me so happy to see people have these types of relationships with their sister. But it also hurts, because I don’t have that relationship with my own sister. I have a very small family, and most of them weren’t around when I was growing up. My sister and I used to be close, and I have no idea what happened. I have tried all that I know to do, but I’ve come to that point where I think I just need to accept we aren’t close.
I think the thing that hurts the most is that it feels like she just doesn’t value me as a person. The best I am is a back-up plan in case all other plans fall through. And sometimes, I’m not even good enough to be a back up.
I have tried expressing this to her, different times, and in different ways, but I’m always met with anger. Or being told that I’m the problem. I can accept that I haven’t been perfect, and I can change some things, but I can’t be the only one.
If this were anyone else, I’d have let them go out of my life a long time ago. But I don’t have much family, and I wanted this to work. It sucks that something I want so much, I really can’t have. And I can’t just go out and find a new sister. This, I think, I just need to accept.